Mindenki látja

Stuttering is funny. But you can be a serial killer who hunts down normal people who can't do anything about not laughing on something what's funny.

You stutter, and it's funny or awkward. There's no third way, that's the way these things are. You don't want to face with that (I wonder why), and that's what makes you angry instead of understanding. 

I was laughed by my speach therapyst once. I was shocked. I was laughed by my best friends behind my back. I was shocked. While I was still a covert stutterer, my best friend told me his experiences, thoughts about a severily stuttering classmate (people do not consider mild stutterers stutterers!) with natural sincerity. I was silently shocked, because I suddenly realized that 1: I can't blame people for their attitudes; 2: when people talk about understanding, accepting stutterers, that's a pious fraud to deal with that awkward phenomenon. Once you saw into that truth, you rather want to made fun of than been sympathized with. And 3: I can't get angry on that because of 1. 

Suddenly I felt totally alone. I stared at my friend and knew that we can't be friends anymore. We never were, because I lied to him: I tried to hide or face-lift my stutter. He asked me what's the matter. Strangely I didn't stutter then.

Saying that anxiety causes/triggers stuttering is like saying that the lightning causes/triggers the thundering.

They think that anxiety is the charge of the elements in the sky – but they're wrong. It's the lightning, even if it sometimes light the whole sky. 

That's why Pagoclone and other medicines can't cure stuttering.

Lightning is the fear/anxiety of stuttering. When we're going into a hard speaking-situation, the world shakes for a moment. After that comes the cramp in our stomach, the tension in our muscles etc., we all know these things which are variable of course. At times we manage to speak well, and the sky lightens up. But if we don't, then: BANG!

It's the same as in love. When we see the loved one, comes the lightning. Then comes the stress. Then we win or fail. 

Everybody talks about stuttering – and nobody considers seriously that we have been speaking fluently a lot. I'm now almost completely mute, my stutter is that severe, but I've lived 15 years with a covert stutter which is challenging of course and stressful, but imagine how many success you gain either! I'm mute because I was very fluent, "I had the best girl in my town"!

So: you're on wrong track if you examine the lightning to explain stuttering. "I didn't get the girl, because I was anxious" – aha of course buddy, but the truth is that you were anxious because you wanted the girl badly. Don't blame anxiety. It's not the cause. And not the trigger either; when anxiety comes, the trigger had already been pulled. I wonder, again, why.

Asif egy hatvan éves férfi, aki 50 évig súlyosan dadogott, mikor aztán hajótörést szenvedett, és egy lakatlan partszakaszon rostokolt két hétig, csaknem biztosan abban, hogy itt fog pusztulni. Ott valamire rájött, és egy az egyben megszüntette a dadogását. Aztán megmenekült, és szép csendesen elkezdett írni a Fórumra. Mikor aztán szép lassan lépésről lépésre előállt a meggondolásaival, hogy hogyan lehet abbahagyni a dadogást, szisztematikusan támadni kezdték, őrültnek, gurunak, hazugnak bélyegezték, és hihetetlen energiával védekeztek a jótanácsai ellen. Végül elüldözték a fórumról. 

Hans hasonlóan egy olyan ötven éves férfi, aki szintén megszüntette a dadogását, súlyos depresszióból kilábalva. Ő a légynek se ártott, mégis mihelyt pedzegetni kezdte, merre kéne menniük a dadogóknak, azok támadni kezdték, ugyanúgy, ahogy Asifot. És távozott ő is, ahogy az utóbbi.

Levélben később mindkettejükkel felvettem a kapcsolatot, nagyon értelmes emberek, akik úgy élték meg a fórumon való tartózkodásukat, mintha őrültek házába kerültek volna.

A könyv végére megtudhatjuk, miért.