Mindenki látja

Originally Posted by Hans  I tell myself “I stay in touch because I want to help those still trapped by this terrible affliction”, knowing that it holds me back from a “total cure”.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hans  I suspect that the answer to my original question, “who am I”, isn’t as clear-cut as I thought. Letting go of a long-held picture of me is harder than I thought.

Now that's exactly what I call "phobia of the good". And its the very toughest form of it.

I give you another enigma:

Isn't it the most preposterous phenomenon the Devil running around in circles, wanting to be God? – It isn't. It's the God running around in circles, wanting to be God.

What a great life!

I've changed my mind. If I had the power to choose the fate of humanity, I would no longer be so ready to pull the plug. The world, its inhabitants including mankind, is a fabulous place to be and to know. 

My emotions are on a high this morning. I wish I could paint a picture of how I feel. This moment, right now, is pure joy, close to extacy. The future looks bright and benign. A warm, happy wearyness from a hard week allows me to sit here in perfect contentment. 

I recognise the feeling. One morning a few years back I realised that my stutter was largely gone. The world looked so friendly and full of new promise. It called out to be explored with new eyes; and I heard the call!

I envy those who still have this journey ahead of you. You will have THE time of your life.

1. What you have done, you do have it. That's who you are now.

2. You can't envy what you do have. 

3. So that morning Hans experienced a "hypomaniac sensation" as psychology calls it. 

= He lied to himself, as I call it.

Am I the one waving to my reflection, or he is the one waving to his?

Nietzsche formulated the idea that we might learn to want the inevitable, "wanting backwards". It may sound easy or esoteric, but it means for example that if I'm crippled, I want to have been crippled. If my child dies in birth, I want my child having been died in birth. If I'm a stutterer: "I want to be a stutterer!"

In the end, it's banal of course. "Be what you are." Human is the only animal crafted in not being what it is. It dreams. It hopes. It thinks these crafts work.

But of course, not that crafty. Because in the end it is what it is: a faker.

So here's my tabling: if I don't want to be a stutterer, but can't do anything about it, then the so-called "destiny" controls my life: that's a pious fraud. If I don't want to be a stutterer, and I think I can control it: that's a pious fraud either.

True men don't even ask this question. They are destiny.

My friend,
You may not be aware of the import of your explanation as to why you prefer your own company most of the time.

You paint a picture of a man who is not very likable, is disagreeable and crabby when in that “leave me alone” mood. When not in control of your speech, of your self, it’s much safer to withdraw from society than to reveal the “real you”.

Alcoholics Anonymous require a new member to confront and openly attest to his/her addiction. In return, the group provides a safe, accepting environment within which to reveal all. I see you in a similar light. You fear being judged harshly by those who don’t really know you, as you judge yourself.

I suspect the real you, a very complex individual, is much more interesting than the mask that hides almost everything worth knowing about you. Nobody is pleasant and in control all the time. When revealing things I’m not proud of about myself, I find acceptance among my friends. More over, I recognize similarities in their stories and find directions toward creating a self I can easier live with. This gradual coming-out is my journey. It requires that I trust others with my hurts, my demons, my weaknesses, even my faults.
I give my trust because I require their acceptance as an equal. I wear it like a warm blanket that comforts and protects. The world becomes a safer place where a smile is returned.
I hold out my hand in friendship and acceptance, without expectations or goals.

Love
Hans

Who's lonelier? – His friend who doesn't reach out to others, not wanting to be what he's meant to be; or Hans who reaches out to others not wanting to be what he's meant to be?

All animals are driven by their fear toward a safer place. Wounded, sick animals are likely to rest in caves or other hiding-places. They wait until they gain their energy again.

The lightning of freedom touched the top of my head, and it was so promising, so beautiful that I huddled myself up, running back to my old, well-furnished cave called "me". It was too shiny. Can you understand that?! Well, you'll have to…

Now I'm in my purgatory, tied myself up in knots: I can't leave the cave because I still compulsively think that the world is full of spiders; but I can't stay here because 1: the spiders have discovered it, and 2: something which I had called freedom at that moment (or rather I had been called by it) are attracting me toward the Unknown. Toward Myself, as it really is. Or could be.

This both frightening and comic state is called "Phobia of the good" in philosophy: when someone who had been living his life in an entirely wrong way, far away from himself, never known of that, and he suddenly are touched by freedom, by the "good" way. It's rather funny, but be sure it's really frightening too: that I'm afraid to fully understand the very fact that I have been being afraid all my life in vain; and if I'd choose to, I could stop that in any moment.

I could stop that now.

But instead of that I'm drawing signs on the walls, believing that I do that to help other poor stutterers not to think it's their home. No: it's a lie. I'm just stalling for time. What a fool I am!

(Understanding that those who comes here to cure me, advice me, encourage me, especially telling to face my fears, are coming just because they actually fear of losing theirs and they are encouraging themselves with that helpful image, and it's true about Hans and Asif either – understanding that very-very hardbound fact helped me a lot trusting myself rahter than others. 95% of this forum is dialogue-imitating monologues of trembling people trying to gain some power rather than understanding their trembling. – Now my final task is to question calmly my trust in myself too…)