kontroll

Delusions of impotency.

I have to confess something to myself: I didn't believe that there are mentally healthy stutterers. While I've been wandering around in the past life of the Forum, I was always suspicious about these strong fellows, like grantM [grantM a tipikus katona: nem áltatja magát, hogy a dadogás gyógyítható, ezért a sorssal való kőkemény szembenézésre buzdít]. Now that I've managed to understand that phenomenon, I can tell honestly, that I had considered these guys fake, who lie even to himself. I gave it 90%, now I give it 5%. So I have to apologize to myself feeling that impotent.

Okay, but why is it so important? 

Torture.

There were a scientific experiment. Scientists were doing what they really enjoy: they tortured mice without mercy to proove their theory. The first group of mice reacted after a long torture with depressive behaviour: they stopped fighting. But the second group just didn't stop fighting. And guess what, you can't even pity them, because they stayed healthy and gay after every electric shock, every tormenting trick, humiliation – just like they were before. 

What was the difference between the two groups? – That the scientists eliminated in their brains a gene that blocked their emotions when the torture seemed unbearable (when the brain considered no escape possibility at all). Thus they couldn't choose the depressive strategy.

So chances are that the guys like grantM, really can't be so depressed about the chain of stressful experiences very depressive for others; or they recover sooner. And it's not about "power", "mentally health", because there was no other difference between the groups.

That confutes that stuttering has psychological basis (that it grows out from general anxiety etc.). A mentally healthy man can stutter severily. Stuttering in that example is the torture, the constant little shocks. 

Phobia.

I have to consider very seriously, that an arachnofobic fellow can also be mentally completely healthy, a confident person, great leader etc., who suddenly lose all control seeing a spider. I'm an arachnofobic, and I remember that once in my totally fluent and confident years when I was heading home on train, a group of guys came into my cabin with strange boxes, and asked if I want to see a spider. I couldn't speak then, I just stared at them. Even now I remember the open window at my left, with the flitting trees outside, and the command, impassable dictation in my head: "If he tries to show it, I jump". It's true: I would have jumped. I told the story at home and forgot about it. 

I remember when I first stuttered at school, I ran home crying, shouting to my mom that "I can't read! I can't read!" With her I developed a technique (I had letter-phobia, and with saying "th" instead of "t" I managed to be fluent), and I hugged my mother with loose laughter. I laughed at my phobia and it disappeared. I can remember vividly to my mother's face: she was proudful. That's why I've become addicted to fluency, and when it finally fell apart, I fell apart too. Now I live in a spider-cave.