Phobia of losing control in speaking situations. – The more beastly you stutter, the stronger you are.

Running around in circles.

I was running in the streets, my last circle, because I was fatigued. From the corner of my eyes I saw a man approaching me. In the morning I had decided not to speak at all, rather be mute, and I could have just running along, but as always, my body decided to play itself at the situation, so I stopped. – But I couldn't speak. I couldn't even tell him that I can't speak. The hardest situation. So with nothingness in my heart I left him there and ran along. 

But then a strange thing happened. Psychologically I was at an end, but my body overwhelmed so much that I could double my circles: I had never run that much. I was fresh and young. My body was totally "fluent", strong, courageous, on top.

I would be surprised how strong I am if I knew that it's my hard work charging my blocks.

In a speaking situation without choice we use a huge amount of energy; I stopped because I felt strong, like a young man going into war zone. I remember now that before my stutter went wild (from covert), I still had that amount of energy day by day as a young man with dreams, thorns, pride – the same energy that nowadays I only have when I'm running, for example. Other times I sh*t myself when a speaking situation ("a spider") approaches me. 

But before I'd go on the program of getting energy, changing my lifestyle, run more etc. – I must consider that in the end there's no difference between the two reactions. Both root in our phobia. GrantM, you're not better than me! We're the same old fools who compulsively think that we must fight/flee. You're a good fighter, I am a disaster. But the two groups of mice are the same, if it's true that they charge the electric shocks. Rather a fool thing to do – but surely they have a good reason, don't they? – I wonder, what is that.


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