Women!

Originally Posted by Violet, in "What has changed here?";

Perhaps, as i believe, stuttering is a fault in the brain, a fault in your brain, not your siblings brains, and it is triggered more by external factors – such as traumatic events- and even if you lived the ideal life you may still stutter, but perhaps not as much, perhaps you could have coped better, perhaps it would have been better in your child hood years? i don't believe having a bad mother causes stuttering, and neither does lying, being emotional, etc, etc.. but i think that in some people factors such as these can make it worse, whether for a short period of time or for the long run.. 

Like i was thinking about this.. and when i was two my mother had a still born and she became seriously depressed because she blamed herself and she later told me that the first day she didn’t cry was when she found out she was pregnant with my brother which was two years later.. I remember her being depressed, and her depression carried on for many years past her giving birth to my brother, it just improved, kinda… and i never felt close to her until i was in high school, when i think she finally completely recovered.. Its weird because i remember being closer to my father when i was very young.. but then from when i was about 12-16ish i absolutely hated him because i felt so hurt by him because of various crap.. and now i am indifferent to him but have recently become slightly closer to him…
I am pretty sure that if i had the "ideal" parents i would still stutter. I just think that i would have handled it far better..

And another example that just came to me: The Lying Post (Fluency 7)
People are complex. You are complex. I am complex. Asif is complex. Sometimes you can lie to yourself without fully realising that you are doing so.

Here is how i could sort of relate it to my (somewhat limited) experiences:
When i was younger and had to see my dad more frequently and my stepmother ruled over my brother and i, she used to treat us like we were nothing. We couldn't use the same tissues as them (and they were just your average box of tissues), she would get angry if we ate too much (i soon became scared of eating in front of her because i believed i was using to much of earths resources) she would get angry if someone even mentioned the words 'sliced bread/canned fruit/any other normal everyday object' (she would go on this hour long rant to the world about everyone who ate/used this product were the biggest bunch of idiots in the world and she would be like seriously trying to pick a fight with a 12 year old girl, who was so scared to talk to her that she was practically mute, and who didn’t even like sandwiches!) 
And anyway, i became very depressed and wanted to kill myself because i believed that i was a waste of space, but i never blamed her, because in my mind everything she said and the way she acted was correct – that i was worthless. I started to hate my father because he is spineless and never stood up for us and the one time i told him how we actually felt he laughed and secretly got married to her half a week later… but yeah years later i came to the realisation that i was deflecting the hate i felt for myself onto my father and stepmother (although i hardly ever openly fight/scream at people.. so it was all hate that built up inside of me).. i was using so much energy to hate them and think about the injustices so that i wouldn’t have to think about my stutter. To think about my stutter was so painful that i felt as if i physically and mentally wouldn’t be able to cope with it so i just locked it away. 

 

So in this sense i was lying to myself and was never able to address my stutter and attempt to fully improve because i wouldn’t let myself pause to think about it because at the time i knew i wasn’t strong enough to do so..